For me, For you #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 and #11
I have been on holiday and I will be on holiday for the next week, so here are the updated ones please enjoy
HE KISSED ME!!!!!
Cam kissed me, just a sort of peck. But I still remember the feel of his lips against mine and what I felt inside. Thinking about it this is one of my happiest moments from before and after my accident. I think I’ve had a crush on him for a while but I’ve only recently come to terms with it. Cam is one year older and I guess I never thought seriously about him liking me back.
Oh, how love makes you feel. Yep love.
Mum and Dad come home from Bali a day later, and I’m still in a great mood. I feel as though I could run laps around the airport. I don’t for two reasons. One, I’m sane and two, I don’t feel that great, and my joints are sort of aching. But that doesn’t dampen my mood in the slightest.
A day later, my upset stomach and achy joints have worsened. It clings on to me,like a leech, but I ignore it. We have a gym BBQ for gym to celebrate our success at the latest comp. Again Josh gives me dirty looks but doesn’t laugh this time. He almost gags every time cam and I touch. Weird.
My happiness is soon overtaken by my icky feeling. I sit on a bench and cradle my head in my hands. I try to breathe evenly. Its near impossible. Don’t panic. Do not panic, I tell myself. My whole body starts to ache, I tremble.
“Sof, Sof, Sofie are you alright?” his voice is a mini anchor in a sea of pain, a swelling sea. He’s right by me now. I stand and regret it as the world sways. I fall into his chest, sweating with the effort of standing. He whispers incomprehensible words of comfort to me, the pain is getting worse, and spreading, spreading like wildfire. The world disappears form around me, or do I disappear from the world
My eyes won’t open, I can hear everything, every footstep, every breath, every word everyone says. But I feel silent, heavy. I am unaware of the time passing, a second could have passed, or a minute, or a year. I try to think, but it won’t work, nothing works.
I may have ended up in hospital, or maybe I’m dreaming. I still can’t think. My eyes are already shut but somehow I manage to shut them again. Memories, visions flash through my mind.
‘My first steps in the park, with my entire family watching, writing for the memorable moment. My first time at gym, meeting cam who I instantly hated. One he was a boy and a year older than me and two cos he called me a carrot head, I know it’s stupid but come on I was three years old. My tenth birthday bright lights over the dining table, laughing and singing with my friends. Grandma and I dancing in the backyard, the sky dark but the twinkling fairy lights, lighting our way. My first time ice skating, my first kiss. Cams kiss, the feel of his arms encircled around me as we watch a film.’
People say your entire life flashes before your eyes seconds prior to your death. I don’t want to die, not yet. Stop, I don’t want to see my past life again, not now, I want to live my life in the moment. I felt heavier and heavier, no lighter.
Mum, Dad, Cam, Grandma
Mum, Dad, Cam, Grandma.
“You should have been watching her,”
“Well I’m sorry. I don’t even get why you’re here?”
“I love her.”
“Not enough obviously, cos you let her almost die!”
“Like you would have done any better.”
“I would have,”
Oh, shut up, please. I want to sleep. People aren’t supposed to argue in heaven. It’s just not the place.
Days pass, maybe weeks and I still can’t open my eyes. Death knocks on my door once or twice a day. I cling to any source or light, figurative or literal. I hear arguing multiple times and always know that the end of one argument only signals the beginning of another in the near future.
Over the following days my mind becomes clearer and death visits less often, the pain begins to dissipate and slowly, ever so slowly I begin to open my eyes.
When I do, it’s painful and slow. My stump constantly throbs and everything seems louder. I’m not sure I want to be conscious anymore, but I also want to get out of here and for that improvement is compulsory.
Blinding light. That’s all I see, before I shut my eyes again. I open them a minute later and fight the urge to close them as the light makes things go white and purple. When it clears, I look around to check my surroundings for the first time. Only to see a sight I never thought I’d see. Sitting next to my bed. Holding my lifeless hand, silently sobbing, with his eyes closed, whispering “Please wake up Sof. Please, please wake up.” is Josh.
I stare in disbelief at his torn face. When I finally comprehend that he is holding my hand I squirm and pull away. This causes hm to open his eyes and jump almost completely out of his skin. He looks down to see my wide eyes staring up at him in confusion.
“You’re awake?” he says, I remember that voice. It was arguing.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, the way he is looking at me is making me feel extremely uncomfortable, so I let my eyelids fall again.
“Please stay awake” his pleading tone startles me, but I don’t let that show. I keep my eyes closed tight.
He talks for hours and hours, non stop until the door opens and that gruff voice I know so well says “Get out!” I hear movement around the room and the door shutting again.
The struggle of opening my eyes isn’t that much of a struggle because I know who it is. Cam” I feel him wrap his arms around me and hear him start to whisper. I smell his deodorant and see his arm encircled around my waist. I slowly turn my head to look into his eyes. He freezes but I keep moving and when my eyes find his and tell him ‘I’m okay his face lights up like a Christmas tree, on Christmas Eve.
After that (and Cam getting super excited) he talks to me for hours, just like Josh, but I actually listen this time. He tells me what happened and how worried he got, he tells me who visited but I already knew because I could hear the whole time.
“Why was Josh here?” my voice is raspy and almost inaudible, but Cam understands.
“Josh, apparently, is in love with you. When you passed out at the party, he freaked out and he’s been all over you ever since.” this shocks me more than anything, even though I heard them arguing.
“Oh,” is all I muster. My eyelids feel heavy and my brain becomes thick with sleep. Cam mutters something that I can’t make out before sleep consumes me..
My ‘stump’ became infected, the infection was spread. And eventually reached my heart.
That’s what happened.
I almost died, multiple times.
Josh is in love with me.
Cam is in love with me.
I am in love with Cam.
Josh is furious.
When I wake again it is to commotion. Nurses and doctors are making an extreme effort to keep someone or someone’s out.
These two people are Cam and Josh. And they are covered in blood.
“Stop,“ I say, but no one hears my silent whisper over the raucous yelling of my two lovers.
“Stop!” I say louder this time, but it’s still barely above a whisper. Miraculously one of the nurses hears me and signals for the others to quieten down
“Do you want to speak to them honey? We don’t want you to get too stressed.”
“Yes” I whisper and she lets them through.
I stare at them for five minutes before I speak. Cam has what looks like a broken nose and blood gushing out of it, a bruise forming on one of his eyes and mini cuts everywhere. Josh is a whole nother story. He is a mess. I can’t even begin to describe the damage. Did Cam do this?
“What happened?” I ask
They sit down and endeavour to please me with their tales that both track something like this.
Cam was walking home when he bumped into an already beaten Josh. These two had been arguing over me for days, Josh was angry and started up a fight. Cam is stronger and more experienced at fighting than josh so he was bound to win. (josh admits this too) After the fight ended, together they made their way to the hospital.
When they finish I send Cam away to get cleaned up, also so I can talk to Josh.
“Josh, I know you like me and I do like you just not in the way you would hope. I love Cam and I wish you would stop fighting. I hate that you’re hurt and I hope we can be friends.” Then I make him leave so I can sleep.
It’s been three months now. Josh and Cam made up, Josh( after a while) accepted that I wasn’t in love with him. Cam and I are still together and are classified a ‘cute couple’, by our friends. My sadness for grandma still hovers in the back of my mind, always. But right now I have other things to worry about. I am grateful for all the people who I love and who love me. I will carry that all the way through life. And all the way through to the World Championships For Gymnastics.
Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 sorry bout the long post.